It feels like shit

Today I went for a little walk in the woods.

Well not really, since there's snow and ice on the paths so I just walked down the main roads but I still enjoyed it.

The point is, since woods can be quite dangerous and mankid sucks I usually dress up as a guy so men just wont give a shit about me hanging there all alone. I mean, I look like a random 14-15 y.o. boy so nobody really gives a crap.

Apparently my mom does.

When I got home, happy and relaxed, she asked me if I was a lesbian and when I told her that dressing up as a guy does not really involve sexual orientation she asked me if I was a trans or something. She was quite upset and I felt really bad.

I'm not a trans but what if I was? God this sure as hell is not the right way to ask your daughter about personal stuff.

Anyway, she kept asking me about it and when I told her I don't feel safe going around dressed as a girl because I don't trust men to keep their dicks into their fucking trousers she laughed me off and... well that left me dumbstruck.

If someone honestly tells me of being scared of something to the point of changing its behaviour... hell, I'd take that seriously.
And it's not something I made up. Here in Italy shit's getting quite hard for women, rapes and murders are quite common and... well mom, I'm sorry for wanting to be kinda safe?

Anyway, the lesbian part really hurt.
She asked me in such a bad way, it's not even the first time but I really can't bring myself to tell her anything about my sexuality.
She says she'd be ok with it but she looks so fucking disappointed while talking about it... and then when I refuse to tell her she tells me I'm a bitch and that I hate her and stuff.

Well, I guess I'll really start hating her someday if she keeps being so pushy about it.

It should not matter.

Are you straight? Lesbian? Bisex? Whatever? HELL FINE, what would you like for dinner?

That's an important question.

I can't help but think that when I'll run away she'll think I'm a huge jerk, but I'll do it just to let the both of us live without killing each other.

I don't like to live knowing I'm not the daughter she wanted, the cute, well behaved, straight, kinda average girl. I know she wanted a girl like that. Like my cousin, actually.

But I really hate to censor my whole life just to please her. I need some freedom. I deserve it, don't I?

Everybody deserves it.

*breathes out* well, I just have to wait a bit more.

But I really am tired.

I never thought this all would affect me so much, but I really am tired of my parent's shit echoing on me.

It would all be so easy if I really did not love them at all.

Funny thing is they hold the whole "after all the things we've done for you you don't even love us" clichè subject against me.

God, I can't even...

I also downloaded Painting Tool SAI, I used to let my art take place on Gimp so... I'll talk about this someday (?)

Haru loves you