Fighters

So... I'm still sick.

I'm coughing up some horrible shit and tomorrow I'll go and see a doctor, she'll prescribe me some antibiotics and maybe some kind of aersol. My doc loves aerosol. Idek.

Anyway it's been a while since the last time I got this sick, maybe a couple of years, or even more... Now that I think of it, I don't remember getting such a bad cold since that time when I was 15 y.o.

God that time shit really got nasty, I had been running in the cold winter air with a fever. I guess nothing good could have come from such an idiotic behaviour. I kind of deserved it. The day after I went to school anyway, you know, there was this cute guy... that didn't give a shit about me doing my best to die of pneumonia just to see his awesome ass.
I was so young and stupid.

...me and my friends ended up shipping him secretely with his little brother. They were so so so alike. It was like selfcest. Hot selfcest.

Anyway I was thinking about how I handle crushes.

After thinking about this for something like... 10 minutes? I came up with a little "modus operandi" of my absolutely useless and uncooperative brain.

And I want to tell you all.

Basically because I'm stupid or because my brain is trying again to destroy my whole life. I really can't tell.

First of all there has to be a cute girl around for me to notice.
I don't really have a type I like, it's more a love-at-first-sight thing. And that's why it's all so random. People's always like "omg but you barely know me" and I'm like "Yeah, but I like you so far and I'd love to know more". Is this really that fucked up? Idk.

Then I try to chat with this girl, and she's cute and smart and adorable, because that's how girls are! Cute, smart and adorable, and I'm so hopelessly lovestruck that I KNOW I'm fucking embarrassing but I can't help it! She's adorable and she's talking to me and I'm so lucky!

But at some point something happens. It can be a word or something that she does or does not do and... I start to dubt. What if she's not the right one. What if she's going to leave and hurt me or... (here I can get a bit dramatical, sorry) what if it's just so awful that I have to leave her and hurt her before she destroys everything I know and love. OMG.

But it's fine. This is just my brain being my brain again, isn't it? Yeah. Everything's ok, she's cute, smart and adorable, Haru. Just look at her. She's smiling and she looks stunning with that haircut. She does not believe me when I tell her she's perfect but it's ok, because she's had a hard life, like I did, and it really took me a while so sort my shit out so it's ok. She's beautiful, look at her. Maybe if she got to be my girl... I could help her be strong enough to pull her shit together faster and without tears and bad feelings. Maybe I could learn to bake and make her sweets! And take pictures of her when she's not looking and...

"I'm not gonna do it"
What. I'm sure I misheard that last part, ahah I- Can you repeat, I heard you're not going to fight to make your life better and that's fucked u-
"I'm ok with things as they are, I mean nobody's happy"
No, wait, that's not true! You can have all you want, you just have to work for it and you'll have a great lif-
"There are things we'll never get"
...
"I don't want to fight against it"
...
"I have to accept things as they are"
So that's it. You're like... them. You're one of those girls who just give up, without even trying. You...
I can't help you.
You don't want to fight so... I might as well give up.

But that's not the kind of girl I like. I like girls who are brave enough to get up and fight.

So it all ends. Usually they don't even know I liked them and I loose interest in them pretty fast. Don't get me wrong, I keep talking with them and I still like them. They're still cute and smart and adorable but... knowing that all the shit they're going through is not something the world just threw at them but something they're kind of ok with is... sickening.

And I want and need a fighter like me by my side.

The bad thing is that I can't seem to find any around here...

Kinda tired r/n and these nasty coughing fits are getting kinda worse.

Btw don't get me wrong again. A non fighter can become a fighter, and I'm glad to help if that's what they want... but if they don't. I can't do anything about it but talk with you all and try to be comforting.
Sorry people.

Haru loves you.