giovedì 26 marzo 2015

Tick Tock

I've been thinking a lot about this whole blog.

I love having a blog but I'm trying to make a new life and it's hard, so I'm doing my best to avoid anything that might hold me back...

So I decided to create a new blog.

I won't delete this one, this is part of my life and it's valid just as any other past experience I had.

I just wanted to thank you for reading and leaving comments, I enjoyed writing here and I hope to entertain you again.

Haru loves you.

mercoledì 7 gennaio 2015

If I believe hard enough...

So I utterly failed at making a 2014 recap post and I also kind of completely missed the whole New Year's post thing.

I think I should apologize but... I've got my reasons~

And my reason is just one beautiful adorable sweet thing.

But I can't tell--- because of other, considerably less charming, reasons.

What I'm saying is that I am overall happy.

2015 started pretty well even tho 60% of my life still sucks pretty bad, but I can't bring myself to care. I try to care but... wow... I fail at finding fucks to give. Some day I'll fix things tho, I swear.

I feel like this year will be fine and calm, I guess I was waiting for this to happen. I can't really feel the rush anymore, I'm at ease.

But as I said I'm /overall/ happy. There are still a few small things nagging me... and they happen to hurt now and then. And I can't help it.

Right now I feel this low humming pain somewhere within me and I feel sick. (ok the huge amount of junk food I had for lunch might be helping with that last part a lil bit) But I can't do shit about it. I feel and I'm glad I do. Because that's what a functional human does.

Humans are. Humans do. Humans feel. Humans think. Humans believe.

(And I am glad I am finally able to do all of them!!)

But this is exactly why I accept feeling like this right now.

Because being unsatisfied is what makes me wanna change what I am. So I gotta do stuff. I gotta think what to do.

I have to believe it is possible.

Please don't blame me for being a daydreamer, for believing in perfection and stuff.

For all those homestucks who might be reading, I am a Hero of Hope.

I was born to believe in dumb shit.

Dumb shit that becomes real if I believe hard enough.

Thas is why I am currently in my bed, wearing my pj's and my favourite hat+scarf.
Because I remember wearing them every time I thought for a second that I couldn't get what I wanted and I recall thinking immediately "No. If I think like this it sure as hell won't happen! I need to believe."

And well... I have what I wanted for so long.

I got it.

Suddenly and... it's nearly perfect.

And I want to believe that things will get even better. That I'll get to my quiet place in the world.

I'll believe untill it'll be real.

Haru loves you.

martedì 2 dicembre 2014

To you 20 years from now...

I tend to read a lot of fanfics as you probably already noticed.

I read them because they keep me company here in this small shithole where I live and I kidn of owe the fanwriters for being able to write this in English in the first place... and I can say I speak English better than Spanish that is my second native language... but I guess that says more about how bad I am at expressing myself in Spanish than how good I might be with English.

But still. I read a lot of fanfics.

Because I feel like I learnt a lot about romance from all those super-romantic stories (what about my parents having a weird relatioship that sure as fuck was not love??) and I love them.  I love reading fluff. I love smutty stuff as well.

I don't read angst, just cute nice things with happy endings. I love that.

But what I wanted to say is that I think it's pretty cute how a lot of fanfics tell of undying love that starts when the protagonists met at a very young age.

They might be neighbours, classmates or just random childhood friends but they really really lover each other and so they just stuck together and lived happily ever after.

Let me tell you that's cute as fuck.

But that does not happen irl.

Or at least that did not happen to me. That did not happen to anyone I know. Nobody's still friends with their childhood BFF and I sincerely think that my old friend form primary school is definitely not my kind of girl. And I am definitely not her kind of boy. (not being a boy at all plays an important role in that last part.)

Also the sweet humans I hang out with lately... and not even old friends. I met all of them in the last three years and I'm 23 y.o. so... we didn't really share a good part of our life. No romantic "knowing everything of eachother for platonic reasons" and only a small amount of "sweet and awkward memories about each other" so... that wouldn't really be super-romantic story material.


And that's something that makes me feel good about stuff.

(Lately things are being kinda rough and I'm really starting to worry and overthink stuff. I should stop, I know.)

I am 23 y.o. (and a half-ish??) and I am still young!

Statistics say that I'll probably live something like 80 years so I've lived something like.... 1/4 of what I can expect to live??

I can still meet someone that at some point will be able to say that has known me for so long that is actually more than half my life.

And that puts my mind at ease.

The fact that I do not have someone that stuck with me for long until now doesn't mean that I won't ever have someone like that. I might even have met them already, in this three years!

But it'll take 20 years more to tell.

That's cool.

mercoledì 5 novembre 2014

Family and then not.

Have you ever heard of Droplets?

It's an awesome fanfiction written by Vee. It's a JeanMarco and I literally love it, like a lot of other awesome fics about this ship, I guess I recognize myself in Jean far too much to be healthy and Marco's just this adorable dork. I wish I had someone like him.

But Droplets is pretty different. This fic tears your heart apart and I guess it just went and poked me the wrong way for I am about to tell you about my family.

I used to live with my mom, my dad and my younger brother (two years younger) in the top flat of a three story house. My grandma (dad's mom) lives on the first floor and my bedroom's in her house, technically speaking.

I don't really think my parents were bad parents, I guess they just did things like they thought was better for me and my brother. Too bad it worked like shit and we're both pretty fucked up. I'm the lucky one out of the two of us, my brother's into drugs and his life's been pretty shitty with dyslexia and dyscalculia and a lot of other small problems to ruin everything.
I'm the lucky one because I stopped resenting him for my shitty life a long ago (my parents really didn't take care of me like they should have because he had a lot of problems) and because I was smart enough to face all the crap life threw at me and overcome it without my parents support.

Of course it had bad consequences for me, but I'm not gonna talk about it.

What I wanna talk about is that my brother started rehab a couple years ago and I started seeing a therapist to unscrew my brain.

We're both doing pretty good so far.

We'd probably have done better if my dad didn't turn out to be a complete ass a year and a half ago.

He cheated on my mom.

With her best friend.

A friend that we saved from her abusive husband, let sleep in our house and took care of her kids. We helped her get a new house.

She's a shitty human, I know.

So my dad left. He's now living with that woman, taking really good care of her kids, like he did not do for me and my brother.

He took them to see HTTYD2 and never wanted to read a single manga od watch a single episode of FMA when I asked him to. He goes to the park with them and when I was 7 y.o. I had to go alone with my 5 y.o. brother taking care of him. He takes him to school in the morning but I had to learn to wake up alone when I was 10 because he didn't want to get up earlier to make me breakfast. He stays with them during Christmas and random holidays but I hardly ever saw him on those days and stopped getting gifts when I was 11 y.o.

I don't blame him for leaving my mom. Their marriage was shit and I told them so when I was 9 y.o. but they just told me I was a kid and I was wrong.

I blame him for leaving me and my brother, when we most needed support, for choosing to be with a woman that knows no respect or gratitude and for giving a random kid stuff he never bothered to give me and my brother.

I'm ashamed of being her daughter, ashamed of looking like him and having a name he dared to give me before ignoring me and giving my grandma the burden of raising me (she's old, I don't blame her for doing a half assed job).

I hate him for being such an idiot. I hate him for teaching me that family is the only thing you need and tearing it apart when some woman offered to suck him off.

I'm upset with my mom for not leaving him earlier, everytime they fought we used to go see aparments in Cuneo to escape but never did, and I'm upset with her for being upset because I know he does not deserve her time or her energy, even if she isn't the brightest crayon in the box.
Because she might not be as smart as him, but at least she did not leave us to deal with our crap. And I'm not even talking about me: I did shit alone all my life, I can still do it, I'm talking about my brother that needs help and has such a hard time letting people get close.

I despise him for forcing all his paranoid crap down my throat and for making me feel like my whole life would have been about fighting every single human for food. For telling me that friends aren't real and that people would hate me no matter what.

But there is something that I am proud of.

And that is myself.

I am proud of being me, of doing stuff on my own, counting on my friends and my mom and brother. On my work. On my money.

Lucca Comics and Games 2014.

That is something I did without asking him anything. It was all made with my own struggle, time and money.

And I did not only do it. It was GREAT. I helped organizing shit he wouldn't ever have dreamt of organizing, I got a free pass for four days to a huge event and met awesome people that were happy to see me.

Fuck off dad.

Watch me use your genetics like you were never brave enough to.

Shout out to all the lovely kids that have awful parents:

You can go on and be great. You can show them how good you are. You can do it by yourself. You are not like them. You are good enough and brave enough to make it.

Haru loves you.

giovedì 16 ottobre 2014

Pent up

I keep doing the Red Riding Hood thing.

(mom: don't wander into the wood!

Me: *finds herself in the wood* well fuck)

But I NEED to let out my extra energy! (and I can't see raised hands when I'd be up for good nice company so whatever)

I end up at night in the middle of the wood with weird noises conveniently drowned out by my blaring headphones. I love it.

It's getting kinda cold lately so I've been putting on my frog-beanie and it's so comfy! I've missed it during summer~

But I don't wander in the woods just because of pent up energy, I walk a lot when I need to thing or sort out stuff. I daydream a lot while walking and play random scenarios in my head. They're usually epic magical-girl battles or just fights (I walk faster and really helps with pent up emotions and stuff I can't process yet). Usually I end up impressing my crush and that's pretty dumb but hey, I can dream!!

Today I feel like I found out some weird patterns that usually make me really upset.

Now I should really work on it to try and overcome it. I've got the feeling I still miss something about it but I'll get it right at some point and it'll all be ok.

For now I feel like I'm moving in the right direction.

Haru loves you.

venerdì 3 ottobre 2014

Young and Beautiful

Wanna know what's werid?

Being sick.

Ok, maybe being sick isn't weird, it just sucks but lately when I'm sick it feels pretty weird. Thank's God it's not something that happens often.

But you know how it is, you feel like crap and do your best not to throw up and just end up in your bed spending your day on the internet and stuff. While people are doing actual things because their guts are collaborating to have a normal life.

I guess that's why nobody's ever online when I'm sick, because they're fine and living. At school or work. Doing healty human things.

The point is that I've got nobody to talk to and it's so BORING.

So boring that after doing everything that I could possibly do I still have a lot of time left to think. And you know that thinking never leads to a happy ending. Thinking just pulls all that forgotten crap to the bright sunlinght and I swear if I forgot about it I had a good reason. Thinking doesn't care about reasons tho.

So besides being sick I am now sad as well.

Actually I made myself sad, then I tried to help someone and ended up even sadder. Then I decided that some good old OTP would help me but RiRen just made me even more sad.


I didn't think that something called YOUNG and BEAUTIFUL could turn me into this upset... thing... I am right now. And yet, here I am.

It is indeed beautiful, but come on, thisa fandom already has enough angst, why would we go and make it this painful??

I've got no answer and still I am SAD.

Haru loves you tho

mercoledì 24 settembre 2014

Stalking and panic

Hello and welcome to the super new episode of- no ok, I'll stop.

I know it is pretty stupid to write it here but please don't tell anyone.

I am currently stalking someone.

Not bad stalking, I'm not  secretly snapping pictures of them changing their underwear or checking what they threw out this morning. I'm not a bad stalker, come on.

I'm a nice stalker.

People would pay to be stalked by me, I'm such a silent and smart stalker. I'm a fox. I can follow you and you'd never know.


I'm a beast.

But putting my awesomeness and bad jokes aside, I am stalking someone. Also I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one doing it since they're somewhat of a celebrity (?)

...also my crush.

Yeah I know I'm fucked. But I can't bring myself to care about it, I mean, when I was 15 y.o. I met a writer who got to be with her fave singer for something like YEARS and I guess that gave me some sort of pretty bad example on how to deal with impossible crushes so here I am. Stalking.

Just for the sake of it, because they live so far away they could live with a leg in Satan's mouth and it wouldn't really make any difference.

Haru's kinda broke, can't pay for such a loooooooooong flight.

So.... basically I am just doing it to feel somewhat close to them. I'm getting more info about climate, temperature, timezones, sun up and down, moon rising and stuff like that so that I can imagine how it feels right now where they live.

BUT I'm not here to talk about them. ( aaah... them. <3 ) I don't want to give you any clues on who they might be and stuff. Not your business.

What might be your business (?) is how I feel about it and what I think about.

And I am currently thinking about how can someone not look like some obsessive fan and more like a normal human, to a celebrity?

Fuck me if I know.

But if you know you could tell me, I'd LOVE to know, considering I have absolutely no way to meet them in person for something like months. Several months. And only for... days. A few days.

Also I seem to suck at all the flirting thing, I don't even want to know how bad I'll suck at stuff like trans-cultural flirting. I mean I'll probably just greet them and accidentaly insult their whole family plus the dog and trying to apologise I'll threaten to piss into their grandma's ashes so yeah.


This post was originally started because I wonder if I can somehow give people warm and loving looks or if my eyes are just naturally set on my "I am dumb but I still consider you inferior and I hate you" look. That'd be a weird look to give while trying to be sweet.

So that's it.

I'm open to suggestions and ideas that I know won't come since people only write me when they need help. Little bastards.

But Haru still loves you.