Yarn and checkpoints

I guess it's just like being in a maze.

You have to cross that damn thing so you just take a huge ball of yarn and get in. So every time you loose your way you can go back to where you started off and try again.

And I think that's what I'm doing.

Lately I've been pretty unhappy. I was demotivated and I didn't feel like fighting to accomplish stuff. Of any kind, actually. Be it school, work, social life, spiritual stuff or well... whatever. I was completely out of it, just wondering stuff like "why am I even breathing?".

And that exact question is usually tells me that I'm really not ok.

So I did what I had to do... I asked for help.

At first I asked Rika and Shane and they did their best to cheer me up and try to solve all the knots in my head but... it was pretty hard this time.

I had completely lost sight of my goals.

And without goals in which I believe... I just don't move.

I still don't really get what put me in that damn bad mood.

I'm trying to figure it out but I suspect it was just a series of slightly bad choices and probably some awful people I happened to meet and befriend... they're all gone now. It looks like I was still too cheerful and... "Haru" for them, even if what they got to know was an Haru in such a bad shape I'm not even sure I'd call it an Haru (?)

Anyways. Just like in a maze I slowly made my way back to where I started.

Now I've got more knowledge and experience, I hope I can avoid making the same mistakes.

But most important thing is that I remembered so much stuff that just a year ago was so so so important for me and at some point I just kind of... forgot about it.

I didn't remember where my love for red and lions came from, or where did the name Miwa come from and what it implied, or just... why I'm into all this stuff that does not even make completely sense.

The point is that I'm into stuff as long as it's fun.

Everything in my whole life is like it is because at first I wanted to have fun and you know what? That's the best decision I've ever made.

As long as I have fun everything's fine.

When it stops being amusing it'll get shitty and upset me.

So just... fuck it.

I've got the right to choose what to or not to do, and I realize right now why I felt so close to Virus and Trip, but seriously. If I'm not having fun doing stuff I really can't see the point of doing it in the first place. If I'm not having fun with someone I can't see the point in keeping up any kind of relationship...

So this is my first valid checkpoint following my super-rad yarn (it's the colour of fire and sunshine and smirking foxes) and I'm gonna start over from here.

And I already made my first move from here.

But it's a secret!

Haru loves you