Pent up

I keep doing the Red Riding Hood thing.

(mom: don't wander into the wood!

Me: *finds herself in the wood* well fuck)

But I NEED to let out my extra energy! (and I can't see raised hands when I'd be up for good nice company so whatever)

I end up at night in the middle of the wood with weird noises conveniently drowned out by my blaring headphones. I love it.

It's getting kinda cold lately so I've been putting on my frog-beanie and it's so comfy! I've missed it during summer~

But I don't wander in the woods just because of pent up energy, I walk a lot when I need to thing or sort out stuff. I daydream a lot while walking and play random scenarios in my head. They're usually epic magical-girl battles or just fights (I walk faster and really helps with pent up emotions and stuff I can't process yet). Usually I end up impressing my crush and that's pretty dumb but hey, I can dream!!

Today I feel like I found out some weird patterns that usually make me really upset.

Now I should really work on it to try and overcome it. I've got the feeling I still miss something about it but I'll get it right at some point and it'll all be ok.

For now I feel like I'm moving in the right direction.

Haru loves you.

Young and Beautiful

Wanna know what's werid?

Being sick.

Ok, maybe being sick isn't weird, it just sucks but lately when I'm sick it feels pretty weird. Thank's God it's not something that happens often.

But you know how it is, you feel like crap and do your best not to throw up and just end up in your bed spending your day on the internet and stuff. While people are doing actual things because their guts are collaborating to have a normal life.

I guess that's why nobody's ever online when I'm sick, because they're fine and living. At school or work. Doing healty human things.

The point is that I've got nobody to talk to and it's so BORING.

So boring that after doing everything that I could possibly do I still have a lot of time left to think. And you know that thinking never leads to a happy ending. Thinking just pulls all that forgotten crap to the bright sunlinght and I swear if I forgot about it I had a good reason. Thinking doesn't care about reasons tho.

So besides being sick I am now sad as well.

Actually I made myself sad, then I tried to help someone and ended up even sadder. Then I decided that some good old OTP would help me but RiRen just made me even more sad.

SAD.

I didn't think that something called YOUNG and BEAUTIFUL could turn me into this upset... thing... I am right now. And yet, here I am.

It is indeed beautiful, but come on, thisa fandom already has enough angst, why would we go and make it this painful??

I've got no answer and still I am SAD.

Haru loves you tho

Stalking and panic

Hello and welcome to the super new episode of- no ok, I'll stop.

I know it is pretty stupid to write it here but please don't tell anyone.

I am currently stalking someone.

Not bad stalking, I'm not  secretly snapping pictures of them changing their underwear or checking what they threw out this morning. I'm not a bad stalker, come on.

I'm a nice stalker.

People would pay to be stalked by me, I'm such a silent and smart stalker. I'm a fox. I can follow you and you'd never know.

...

I'm a beast.

But putting my awesomeness and bad jokes aside, I am stalking someone. Also I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one doing it since they're somewhat of a celebrity (?)

...also my crush.

Yeah I know I'm fucked. But I can't bring myself to care about it, I mean, when I was 15 y.o. I met a writer who got to be with her fave singer for something like YEARS and I guess that gave me some sort of pretty bad example on how to deal with impossible crushes so here I am. Stalking.

Just for the sake of it, because they live so far away they could live with a leg in Satan's mouth and it wouldn't really make any difference.

Haru's kinda broke, can't pay for such a loooooooooong flight.

So.... basically I am just doing it to feel somewhat close to them. I'm getting more info about climate, temperature, timezones, sun up and down, moon rising and stuff like that so that I can imagine how it feels right now where they live.

BUT I'm not here to talk about them. ( aaah... them. <3 ) I don't want to give you any clues on who they might be and stuff. Not your business.

What might be your business (?) is how I feel about it and what I think about.

And I am currently thinking about how can someone not look like some obsessive fan and more like a normal human, to a celebrity?

Fuck me if I know.

But if you know you could tell me, I'd LOVE to know, considering I have absolutely no way to meet them in person for something like months. Several months. And only for... days. A few days.

Also I seem to suck at all the flirting thing, I don't even want to know how bad I'll suck at stuff like trans-cultural flirting. I mean I'll probably just greet them and accidentaly insult their whole family plus the dog and trying to apologise I'll threaten to piss into their grandma's ashes so yeah.

Yeah.

This post was originally started because I wonder if I can somehow give people warm and loving looks or if my eyes are just naturally set on my "I am dumb but I still consider you inferior and I hate you" look. That'd be a weird look to give while trying to be sweet.

So that's it.

I'm open to suggestions and ideas that I know won't come since people only write me when they need help. Little bastards.

But Haru still loves you.

bravery

I just realized I've never lost something really important.

My body's relatively fine, not much as happened to it, almost all its flaws were there form the very beginning. I got some slightly unlucky set of coding I guess.

My family's alive. Torn apart but alive.

And all I've really lost are years. Ten years of void instead of growing up, but even that paid off somehow. And it might sound cynical. Idk.

But that night. I could have died. And not even because of my stupidity, but for someone else's useless bravery. We did not run, even though I wanted to. I panicked (and now I see that's something I tend to do often) and yet I did as I was told. We stayed and I could smell the smoke.

I'm not brave,  I can see it clearly.

That's obviously not the reason that makes me a Griffindor. I am not brave.

I get so damn scared, feeling like a trapped rat, all quick breathing and shaky movements.

And that is why I might look brave.

Feeling trapped, nothing to loose. I'd probably leash out on a grizzly,  too scared to realize that I'm in no danger, I have choices.

I'm not brave.

I just wish shit was easier. I wish I was brave. I wish I could fight for me and my friends.  Be useful.

But I'm not brave.

I'm scared I do my best and I think I'm useful.

Like a stupid dog, I turn around expecting a praise after barking off the fat lazy neighbour's cat, and I get pitying looks and some awkward statement about how unnecessary it was.

...

I guess it just... hurts, and that's the most descriptive I can seem to get about my feelings.

It hurts.

I do my best and it is so not ok it actually hurts.

But I can definitely see how this whole thing took me where I stand now. Just me.

And yet.

Haru loves you.

First part of my cosplay

So.

My mind keeps having mental break downs and I don't know why but it's a thing that's happening so I'm just gonna deal with it.

And I'm doing it.

I hope I'm doing it well.

But, incredible, that's not the point.

The first part of my cosplay arrived on friday and I'm terrified.
And glad.
But still terrified.

Because now there's no going back. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna touch the booty. I'm gonna cosplay it.

My fave character. That reminds me of myself somehow. In a really weird way.

Who suffered through some deep shit and got out. Messed up, but got out.

I love that dork.

Now more that ever I love that dork so bad I could just hug this huge idiot and cuddle all the way into oblivion.

And I'm gonna do it.

And it'll be so damn embarrassing because now everyone knows I love this character and all its flaws in such an unironic way I could die.

But the first part arrived and I tried it and I'm so madly in love with everything.

You may not believe me but I'm writing this and my fucking kokoro is going all dokidoki and I'd rather get killed than say something like this if I didn't mean it. It's so embarrassing I really don't even know HOW this could happen.

*breathes*

but I tried the first part of my cosplay on and it was amazing.

I'm so full of hope I wish I didn't have and... it's wonderful and awful and everything in between. I feel so close to this character.

You know what they say "it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all".

I'm so not sure about which one is better but I feel like I could barf either way so I guess it just sucks. But in this huge shitstorm I guess the first one could hurt in a way that might, at some point, bring a smile with it.

That's all I'm gonna say about it. About this awesome character and my undying love and how I am SURE it'd be a fucking Griffindor don't even try to bring this up with me I'll murder your family.

I'm gonna go hug my cosplay now.

My legs feel numb.

Haru loves you.

New Colour

I hope to find you as soon as possible.

I'll take you to my AU.

Where everything's the same but we're not insane,

We're great.

The next step of evolution,

The final expression of freedom.

The correct approach to life.

You and me, we're nothing but variations of the same theme,

Complemental prototypes of the same absurd project,

concretizations of the same concept,

different ways of being humans, sharing our freakness.

It's not hard to tell us apart,

your green locks are unnatural as all the colours that light up my life.

Why, then,

Why can't I tell where I stop fighting for myself and start standing up for you?

That's how you became an extention of my ego,

Your calm and resolved behaviour something I crave.

I wanted you so much that you became mine,

a new part of me that I cherish so much.

Black Hole

Idek.

"It's so weird to look back at what's happened in my life lately. There's this... black deep hole that's like just behind me. Weird stuff happened, everything felt like a huge and unnatural amount of bad luck and that's what I think it was. Bad people, bad choices, bad instinct, bad everything.

Someone I let in found a way to completely undemine my self-confidence and even if this all was a bad luck accident I'm pretty sure I'll never really give up on this almost silent sore feeling for this person. I can't seem to let it go and I know I probably won't.

I know it'll push me forward for half my life.

I feel sorry, tho. For everything. For me, for my friends, for my past and for my future, for this person as well. Because I was trying to help. Help everyone. Show everyone how nice things could be, how perfect everything would turn out if they just as much as considered my directions.

But it did not happen.

And it's fine.

It's fine because I feel it'll all turn out fine. The people who stuck by my side give me a good vibe and someone got lost along the way and it's ok. I care, but I know I should not.

I should let it go and I'm doing my best to.

But things will be fine, the air itself smells like nice things coming our way and the movement feel so focused and armonious, like the whole universe is just being the stage for some huge and awesome event. And I can't wait (joke's on me I guess).

I... I think I need this. Deserve this. Just like I needed that huge hole I fell in last spring.

I don't know if anyone's feeling this right now or what. But I'm glad.

Deep down I'm glad."

Haru loves you