bravery

I just realized I've never lost something really important.

My body's relatively fine, not much as happened to it, almost all its flaws were there form the very beginning. I got some slightly unlucky set of coding I guess.

My family's alive. Torn apart but alive.

And all I've really lost are years. Ten years of void instead of growing up, but even that paid off somehow. And it might sound cynical. Idk.

But that night. I could have died. And not even because of my stupidity, but for someone else's useless bravery. We did not run, even though I wanted to. I panicked (and now I see that's something I tend to do often) and yet I did as I was told. We stayed and I could smell the smoke.

I'm not brave,  I can see it clearly.

That's obviously not the reason that makes me a Griffindor. I am not brave.

I get so damn scared, feeling like a trapped rat, all quick breathing and shaky movements.

And that is why I might look brave.

Feeling trapped, nothing to loose. I'd probably leash out on a grizzly,  too scared to realize that I'm in no danger, I have choices.

I'm not brave.

I just wish shit was easier. I wish I was brave. I wish I could fight for me and my friends.  Be useful.

But I'm not brave.

I'm scared I do my best and I think I'm useful.

Like a stupid dog, I turn around expecting a praise after barking off the fat lazy neighbour's cat, and I get pitying looks and some awkward statement about how unnecessary it was.

...

I guess it just... hurts, and that's the most descriptive I can seem to get about my feelings.

It hurts.

I do my best and it is so not ok it actually hurts.

But I can definitely see how this whole thing took me where I stand now. Just me.

And yet.

Haru loves you.