New Colour

I hope to find you as soon as possible.

I'll take you to my AU.

Where everything's the same but we're not insane,

We're great.

The next step of evolution,

The final expression of freedom.

The correct approach to life.

You and me, we're nothing but variations of the same theme,

Complemental prototypes of the same absurd project,

concretizations of the same concept,

different ways of being humans, sharing our freakness.

It's not hard to tell us apart,

your green locks are unnatural as all the colours that light up my life.

Why, then,

Why can't I tell where I stop fighting for myself and start standing up for you?

That's how you became an extention of my ego,

Your calm and resolved behaviour something I crave.

I wanted you so much that you became mine,

a new part of me that I cherish so much.

Black Hole

Idek.

"It's so weird to look back at what's happened in my life lately. There's this... black deep hole that's like just behind me. Weird stuff happened, everything felt like a huge and unnatural amount of bad luck and that's what I think it was. Bad people, bad choices, bad instinct, bad everything.

Someone I let in found a way to completely undemine my self-confidence and even if this all was a bad luck accident I'm pretty sure I'll never really give up on this almost silent sore feeling for this person. I can't seem to let it go and I know I probably won't.

I know it'll push me forward for half my life.

I feel sorry, tho. For everything. For me, for my friends, for my past and for my future, for this person as well. Because I was trying to help. Help everyone. Show everyone how nice things could be, how perfect everything would turn out if they just as much as considered my directions.

But it did not happen.

And it's fine.

It's fine because I feel it'll all turn out fine. The people who stuck by my side give me a good vibe and someone got lost along the way and it's ok. I care, but I know I should not.

I should let it go and I'm doing my best to.

But things will be fine, the air itself smells like nice things coming our way and the movement feel so focused and armonious, like the whole universe is just being the stage for some huge and awesome event. And I can't wait (joke's on me I guess).

I... I think I need this. Deserve this. Just like I needed that huge hole I fell in last spring.

I don't know if anyone's feeling this right now or what. But I'm glad.

Deep down I'm glad."

Haru loves you

Excited and feeling like shit

I'm beginning my eternal jurney of work and tears to get my cosplay for Lucca Comics done.

And I'm just gonna write down here why I'm feeling excited and like shit at the same time while doing and even planning this.

As I said in my last week's vlog (it's in Italian, sorry) I'm not gonna tell you which character is it and not even the fandom.

What I can definitely tell you is that I'm anxious because it's one of my fave characters. Ever.

I usually love characters that somehow remind me of myself, basically because I feel like I can understand how they feel and think, and sometimes I can even relate to some of their experiences or choices. They usually have a weird sense of humor and just try to act all smooth (and sometimes fail at it epically) while they're just huge dorks. Also they're usually disinterested (or act like it) in all the stuff going on ultill shit gets real and at that point they just leash out and wreck some shit. Because it needs to be done. And if it needs to be done and none's willing to do it they just have to step up and save the damn day.

That's why I love them.

They're not really self confident. They had to act like it because of random reasons but in the end they're just damn kids (regardless of age) and are scared shitless by life and anything, but they don't give up.

They try to have things their way and when they can't and have to face the awful reality just wipe off their tears and pick up their sword (yep, it's usually swords... kinda funny) and fight for their lives and what they believe.

And I am just madly in love with them all. Meaning that I'm not looking for a person like this irl (the perfect girl/boy for me has a different personality) but I'd just love to be like them because I think they're awesome.

And... I am aware of being like them already. Of course I'm far more balanced, because I'm not a stereotype (I'd say because I'm real but life keeps denying my existence so...) and they actually have this huge flaws just to make them look real even if they don't...

But I never ever feel like I'm enough to be like them. At all.

That's the main reason that got me to hide my next cosplay.

It's a character I LOVE TO BITS and I... I feel like I'm just not enough. Even though I even compared height and weight and it could kinda match... even though I can feel how bad every emotional blow might have felt in its place...

Basically... I'm pretty self confident untill I see my fave characters.

They've got the power to make me feel like shit compared to how cool they are and, well... I feel like shit just thinking about my cosplay.

BUT I'm gonna do it.

Because I spent a lot of time thinking about it and I even talked about it with some REALLY close friends and I came to the conclusion that I really need to get id of this thing that triggers my self-loathing.

I have to do it to try and make good memories of me cosplaying as someone I love deeply, so that I won't be scared to death of cosplay and I'm feel like it's ok if I cosplay someone I look up to.

And this might all seem prety dumb but if you think I'm an idiot you're probably right and wasting your time reading an idiot's blog so we're kind of even.

If you don't think I'm an idiot...

Haru loves you <3

Yarn and checkpoints

I guess it's just like being in a maze.

You have to cross that damn thing so you just take a huge ball of yarn and get in. So every time you loose your way you can go back to where you started off and try again.

And I think that's what I'm doing.

Lately I've been pretty unhappy. I was demotivated and I didn't feel like fighting to accomplish stuff. Of any kind, actually. Be it school, work, social life, spiritual stuff or well... whatever. I was completely out of it, just wondering stuff like "why am I even breathing?".

And that exact question is usually tells me that I'm really not ok.

So I did what I had to do... I asked for help.

At first I asked Rika and Shane and they did their best to cheer me up and try to solve all the knots in my head but... it was pretty hard this time.

I had completely lost sight of my goals.

And without goals in which I believe... I just don't move.

I still don't really get what put me in that damn bad mood.

I'm trying to figure it out but I suspect it was just a series of slightly bad choices and probably some awful people I happened to meet and befriend... they're all gone now. It looks like I was still too cheerful and... "Haru" for them, even if what they got to know was an Haru in such a bad shape I'm not even sure I'd call it an Haru (?)

Anyways. Just like in a maze I slowly made my way back to where I started.

Now I've got more knowledge and experience, I hope I can avoid making the same mistakes.

But most important thing is that I remembered so much stuff that just a year ago was so so so important for me and at some point I just kind of... forgot about it.

I didn't remember where my love for red and lions came from, or where did the name Miwa come from and what it implied, or just... why I'm into all this stuff that does not even make completely sense.

The point is that I'm into stuff as long as it's fun.

Everything in my whole life is like it is because at first I wanted to have fun and you know what? That's the best decision I've ever made.

As long as I have fun everything's fine.

When it stops being amusing it'll get shitty and upset me.

So just... fuck it.

I've got the right to choose what to or not to do, and I realize right now why I felt so close to Virus and Trip, but seriously. If I'm not having fun doing stuff I really can't see the point of doing it in the first place. If I'm not having fun with someone I can't see the point in keeping up any kind of relationship...

So this is my first valid checkpoint following my super-rad yarn (it's the colour of fire and sunshine and smirking foxes) and I'm gonna start over from here.

And I already made my first move from here.

But it's a secret!

Haru loves you

Shingeki no Kyojin

Well... guess what I just saw?

SHINGEKI NO KYOJIN?

Yeah how did you know?

Ah, the title of this post? I see... I should stop making dramatic spoilers in titles, shouldn't I? Oh, you say that's what the title is for? Well shit.

Now back to the topic!

.+*+. SPIOLERS .+*+.

If you speak italian I've got good news for you!

You can watch this video about my opinion about SnK and just get over with it! YOOOO

If you don't you'll have to read this post about it, I'm sorry.

First things first!

I hate Eren. He's an idiot. I'd punch him in the face every time he opens his mouth to speak.

Aaaaaand.... well it's kind of embarassing... but I really love Jean. I think he's the only one that had any sense (untill a sudden death fucked him up and made him just about as stupid as anyone else).

Also Annie was somehow a smart girl but well... we all know how it ended and if you don't you should watch it and get to know how it ends.

Also I know that it's not the end at all.

The manga goes on from where the anime ends but GUESS WHAT? I'm not gonna read it.

Because... I was a super happy girl walkign around on tumblr but then I took what looked like a spoiler to the knee. And I guess Jean's gonna die around chapter 58 or something like that.

And since I'm such a child when it comes to my fave characters dying, aka I stop reading coz I hate it all and I'm gonna pretend I don't care but I'm gonna kill whoever decided that killing that character was fun or necessary.

So... yeah I'm just gonna stick to the anime and drown in my little puddle of denial.

Also I didn't cry when Marco died. Because I didn't really get how bad it was for Jean (but the corpse made me feel kinda nauseous).

I nearly cry over fanfics tho and now... I really feel bad every time I think about it.

I SHIP THEM SO HARD IT HURTS.

Last time a ship hurt that much I was elbow deep in DenNor and reading Gutters by Glassamilk. I cried my eyes out that time.

If you know of a fanfic that's just THAT sad about Jean and Marco... please tell me. And I won't read it untill someday when I'll think I can take it and I'll find out too late that NOPE I CAN'T ABORT MISSION ABORTI MISSION but it'll be too late and I'm gonna curse me, you, this blog and the writer for life.

Well, gotta go now.

Haru loves Jean you.

TC and HFW ftw

So...

It's been a while I know.

I just suck at keeping up blogs and stuff, sorry.

I've been not really busy but... well whatever.

One of the most important things is that I was at Torino Comics and I really liked it!

Thanks to Simone Forelli for the great picture! I really love it!

This is the first cosplay I really enjoyed doing and wearing. The past ones were either characters I didn't think fitted me well or I didn't really know much about so... I really liked being Gamzee at this con! owo

I was with Rika (Feferi) and Shane (Eridan), we had a lot of fun and met other homestucks!

I expected homestucks to be more, tho.

But it was awesome and I look forward to do more cosplays and go to more cons like this one.


I also chopped off my hair because I was tired of how long it was so during the Harajuku Fashion Walk in Turin I had short short short hair!

Everyone was so fab! I just can't wait for the next one to see them all again!

Haru loves you!

Hospital

I guess this is kind of important.

Being a nurse (nearly) I heard a lot of stories about "how it feels when you're about to faint" and it sounds like it's something you absolutely notice, no matter what.

You start to sweat, you feel weak, your sight gets shitty and then you're on the floor waiting to wake up.

Well, I experienced it yesterday for the first time in my whole life.

And first of all... it's pretty shitty. But let me tell you hw things went...

I didn't sleep, or if I slept... they were some bad z's. That's because my tummy hurt like a motherfucker. But I didn't think anything of it. I mean I ate a lot of fastfood and unhealty stuff during the weekend so it made sense.

I decided to get up and get something to drink, I was pretty sleepy and my legs felt somewhat wobbly but... why would that be weird?
So coming back to my room I felt really tired and looked at my bed. Just a few steps.

All I remember is my butt hitting the floor and then I woke up on the floor.

And the I threw up. A lot.

Later I went to the hospital since I couldn' get up without fainting again and the doctor told me I got gastroenteritis. The one with pretty high temperature.


But the point is not the gastroenteritis.

The point is that fainting can feel like a lot of different things and that's what makes it so shitty.

For me is just feeling confused and seeing weird brownish pixels at the edge of my vision but that's not how it feels to everyone. So if you never experienced it, when you're feeling strange or weak or whatever... just sit down, whereever you are and wait for it to go away, and ask for help and get checked up.

Because it could be nothing, but it could be pretty serious as well.

Haru loves you.