Tick Tock

I've been thinking a lot about this whole blog.

I love having a blog but I'm trying to make a new life and it's hard, so I'm doing my best to avoid anything that might hold me back...

So I decided to create a new blog.

I won't delete this one, this is part of my life and it's valid just as any other past experience I had.

I just wanted to thank you for reading and leaving comments, I enjoyed writing here and I hope to entertain you again.

Tick Tock

Haru loves you.

Family and then not.

Have you ever heard of Droplets?

It's an awesome fanfiction written by Vee. It's a JeanMarco and I literally love it, like a lot of other awesome fics about this ship, I guess I recognize myself in Jean far too much to be healthy and Marco's just this adorable dork. I wish I had someone like him.

But Droplets is pretty different. This fic tears your heart apart and I guess it just went and poked me the wrong way for I am about to tell you about my family.


I used to live with my mom, my dad and my younger brother (two years younger) in the top flat of a three story house. My grandma (dad's mom) lives on the first floor and my bedroom's in her house, technically speaking.

I don't really think my parents were bad parents, I guess they just did things like they thought was better for me and my brother. Too bad it worked like shit and we're both pretty fucked up. I'm the lucky one out of the two of us, my brother's into drugs and his life's been pretty shitty with dyslexia and dyscalculia and a lot of other small problems to ruin everything.
I'm the lucky one because I stopped resenting him for my shitty life a long ago (my parents really didn't take care of me like they should have because he had a lot of problems) and because I was smart enough to face all the crap life threw at me and overcome it without my parents support.

Of course it had bad consequences for me, but I'm not gonna talk about it.

What I wanna talk about is that my brother started rehab a couple years ago and I started seeing a therapist to unscrew my brain.

We're both doing pretty good so far.

We'd probably have done better if my dad didn't turn out to be a complete ass a year and a half ago.

He cheated on my mom.

With her best friend.

A friend that we saved from her abusive husband, let sleep in our house and took care of her kids. We helped her get a new house.

She's a shitty human, I know.

So my dad left. He's now living with that woman, taking really good care of her kids, like he did not do for me and my brother.

He took them to see HTTYD2 and never wanted to read a single manga od watch a single episode of FMA when I asked him to. He goes to the park with them and when I was 7 y.o. I had to go alone with my 5 y.o. brother taking care of him. He takes him to school in the morning but I had to learn to wake up alone when I was 10 because he didn't want to get up earlier to make me breakfast. He stays with them during Christmas and random holidays but I hardly ever saw him on those days and stopped getting gifts when I was 11 y.o.

I don't blame him for leaving my mom. Their marriage was shit and I told them so when I was 9 y.o. but they just told me I was a kid and I was wrong.

I blame him for leaving me and my brother, when we most needed support, for choosing to be with a woman that knows no respect or gratitude and for giving a random kid stuff he never bothered to give me and my brother.

I'm ashamed of being her daughter, ashamed of looking like him and having a name he dared to give me before ignoring me and giving my grandma the burden of raising me (she's old, I don't blame her for doing a half assed job).

I hate him for being such an idiot. I hate him for teaching me that family is the only thing you need and tearing it apart when some woman offered to suck him off.

I'm upset with my mom for not leaving him earlier, everytime they fought we used to go see aparments in Cuneo to escape but never did, and I'm upset with her for being upset because I know he does not deserve her time or her energy, even if she isn't the brightest crayon in the box.
Because she might not be as smart as him, but at least she did not leave us to deal with our crap. And I'm not even talking about me: I did shit alone all my life, I can still do it, I'm talking about my brother that needs help and has such a hard time letting people get close.

I despise him for forcing all his paranoid crap down my throat and for making me feel like my whole life would have been about fighting every single human for food. For telling me that friends aren't real and that people would hate me no matter what.

But there is something that I am proud of.

And that is myself.

I am proud of being me, of doing stuff on my own, counting on my friends and my mom and brother. On my work. On my money.

Lucca Comics and Games 2014.

That is something I did without asking him anything. It was all made with my own struggle, time and money.

And I did not only do it. It was GREAT. I helped organizing shit he wouldn't ever have dreamt of organizing, I got a free pass for four days to a huge event and met awesome people that were happy to see me.

Fuck off dad.

Watch me use your genetics like you were never brave enough to.


Shout out to all the lovely kids that have awful parents:

You can go on and be great. You can show them how good you are. You can do it by yourself. You are not like them. You are good enough and brave enough to make it.

Haru loves you.

Stalking and panic

Hello and welcome to the super new episode of- no ok, I'll stop.

I know it is pretty stupid to write it here but please don't tell anyone.

I am currently stalking someone.

Not bad stalking, I'm not  secretly snapping pictures of them changing their underwear or checking what they threw out this morning. I'm not a bad stalker, come on.

I'm a nice stalker.

People would pay to be stalked by me, I'm such a silent and smart stalker. I'm a fox. I can follow you and you'd never know.

...

I'm a beast.

But putting my awesomeness and bad jokes aside, I am stalking someone. Also I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one doing it since they're somewhat of a celebrity (?)

...also my crush.

Yeah I know I'm fucked. But I can't bring myself to care about it, I mean, when I was 15 y.o. I met a writer who got to be with her fave singer for something like YEARS and I guess that gave me some sort of pretty bad example on how to deal with impossible crushes so here I am. Stalking.

Just for the sake of it, because they live so far away they could live with a leg in Satan's mouth and it wouldn't really make any difference.

Haru's kinda broke, can't pay for such a loooooooooong flight.

So.... basically I am just doing it to feel somewhat close to them. I'm getting more info about climate, temperature, timezones, sun up and down, moon rising and stuff like that so that I can imagine how it feels right now where they live.

BUT I'm not here to talk about them. ( aaah... them. <3 ) I don't want to give you any clues on who they might be and stuff. Not your business.

What might be your business (?) is how I feel about it and what I think about.

And I am currently thinking about how can someone not look like some obsessive fan and more like a normal human, to a celebrity?

Fuck me if I know.

But if you know you could tell me, I'd LOVE to know, considering I have absolutely no way to meet them in person for something like months. Several months. And only for... days. A few days.

Also I seem to suck at all the flirting thing, I don't even want to know how bad I'll suck at stuff like trans-cultural flirting. I mean I'll probably just greet them and accidentaly insult their whole family plus the dog and trying to apologise I'll threaten to piss into their grandma's ashes so yeah.

Yeah.

This post was originally started because I wonder if I can somehow give people warm and loving looks or if my eyes are just naturally set on my "I am dumb but I still consider you inferior and I hate you" look. That'd be a weird look to give while trying to be sweet.

So that's it.

I'm open to suggestions and ideas that I know won't come since people only write me when they need help. Little bastards.

But Haru still loves you.

First part of my cosplay

So.

My mind keeps having mental break downs and I don't know why but it's a thing that's happening so I'm just gonna deal with it.

And I'm doing it.

I hope I'm doing it well.

But, incredible, that's not the point.

The first part of my cosplay arrived on friday and I'm terrified.
And glad.
But still terrified.

Because now there's no going back. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna touch the booty. I'm gonna cosplay it.

My fave character. That reminds me of myself somehow. In a really weird way.

Who suffered through some deep shit and got out. Messed up, but got out.

I love that dork.

Now more that ever I love that dork so bad I could just hug this huge idiot and cuddle all the way into oblivion.

And I'm gonna do it.

And it'll be so damn embarrassing because now everyone knows I love this character and all its flaws in such an unironic way I could die.

But the first part arrived and I tried it and I'm so madly in love with everything.

You may not believe me but I'm writing this and my fucking kokoro is going all dokidoki and I'd rather get killed than say something like this if I didn't mean it. It's so embarrassing I really don't even know HOW this could happen.

*breathes*

but I tried the first part of my cosplay on and it was amazing.

I'm so full of hope I wish I didn't have and... it's wonderful and awful and everything in between. I feel so close to this character.

You know what they say "it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all".

I'm so not sure about which one is better but I feel like I could barf either way so I guess it just sucks. But in this huge shitstorm I guess the first one could hurt in a way that might, at some point, bring a smile with it.

That's all I'm gonna say about it. About this awesome character and my undying love and how I am SURE it'd be a fucking Griffindor don't even try to bring this up with me I'll murder your family.

I'm gonna go hug my cosplay now.

My legs feel numb.

Haru loves you.

New Colour

I hope to find you as soon as possible.

I'll take you to my AU.

Where everything's the same but we're not insane,

We're great.

The next step of evolution,

The final expression of freedom.

The correct approach to life.

You and me, we're nothing but variations of the same theme,

Complemental prototypes of the same absurd project,

concretizations of the same concept,

different ways of being humans, sharing our freakness.

It's not hard to tell us apart,

your green locks are unnatural as all the colours that light up my life.

Why, then,

Why can't I tell where I stop fighting for myself and start standing up for you?

That's how you became an extention of my ego,

Your calm and resolved behaviour something I crave.

I wanted you so much that you became mine,

a new part of me that I cherish so much.

Excited and feeling like shit

I'm beginning my eternal jurney of work and tears to get my cosplay for Lucca Comics done.

And I'm just gonna write down here why I'm feeling excited and like shit at the same time while doing and even planning this.

As I said in my last week's vlog (it's in Italian, sorry) I'm not gonna tell you which character is it and not even the fandom.

What I can definitely tell you is that I'm anxious because it's one of my fave characters. Ever.

I usually love characters that somehow remind me of myself, basically because I feel like I can understand how they feel and think, and sometimes I can even relate to some of their experiences or choices. They usually have a weird sense of humor and just try to act all smooth (and sometimes fail at it epically) while they're just huge dorks. Also they're usually disinterested (or act like it) in all the stuff going on ultill shit gets real and at that point they just leash out and wreck some shit. Because it needs to be done. And if it needs to be done and none's willing to do it they just have to step up and save the damn day.

That's why I love them.

They're not really self confident. They had to act like it because of random reasons but in the end they're just damn kids (regardless of age) and are scared shitless by life and anything, but they don't give up.

They try to have things their way and when they can't and have to face the awful reality just wipe off their tears and pick up their sword (yep, it's usually swords... kinda funny) and fight for their lives and what they believe.

And I am just madly in love with them all. Meaning that I'm not looking for a person like this irl (the perfect girl/boy for me has a different personality) but I'd just love to be like them because I think they're awesome.

And... I am aware of being like them already. Of course I'm far more balanced, because I'm not a stereotype (I'd say because I'm real but life keeps denying my existence so...) and they actually have this huge flaws just to make them look real even if they don't...

But I never ever feel like I'm enough to be like them. At all.

That's the main reason that got me to hide my next cosplay.

It's a character I LOVE TO BITS and I... I feel like I'm just not enough. Even though I even compared height and weight and it could kinda match... even though I can feel how bad every emotional blow might have felt in its place...

Basically... I'm pretty self confident untill I see my fave characters.

They've got the power to make me feel like shit compared to how cool they are and, well... I feel like shit just thinking about my cosplay.

BUT I'm gonna do it.

Because I spent a lot of time thinking about it and I even talked about it with some REALLY close friends and I came to the conclusion that I really need to get id of this thing that triggers my self-loathing.

I have to do it to try and make good memories of me cosplaying as someone I love deeply, so that I won't be scared to death of cosplay and I'm feel like it's ok if I cosplay someone I look up to.

And this might all seem prety dumb but if you think I'm an idiot you're probably right and wasting your time reading an idiot's blog so we're kind of even.

If you don't think I'm an idiot...

Haru loves you <3

Yarn and checkpoints

I guess it's just like being in a maze.

You have to cross that damn thing so you just take a huge ball of yarn and get in. So every time you loose your way you can go back to where you started off and try again.

And I think that's what I'm doing.

Lately I've been pretty unhappy. I was demotivated and I didn't feel like fighting to accomplish stuff. Of any kind, actually. Be it school, work, social life, spiritual stuff or well... whatever. I was completely out of it, just wondering stuff like "why am I even breathing?".

And that exact question is usually tells me that I'm really not ok.

So I did what I had to do... I asked for help.

At first I asked Rika and Shane and they did their best to cheer me up and try to solve all the knots in my head but... it was pretty hard this time.

I had completely lost sight of my goals.

And without goals in which I believe... I just don't move.

I still don't really get what put me in that damn bad mood.

I'm trying to figure it out but I suspect it was just a series of slightly bad choices and probably some awful people I happened to meet and befriend... they're all gone now. It looks like I was still too cheerful and... "Haru" for them, even if what they got to know was an Haru in such a bad shape I'm not even sure I'd call it an Haru (?)

Anyways. Just like in a maze I slowly made my way back to where I started.

Now I've got more knowledge and experience, I hope I can avoid making the same mistakes.

But most important thing is that I remembered so much stuff that just a year ago was so so so important for me and at some point I just kind of... forgot about it.

I didn't remember where my love for red and lions came from, or where did the name Miwa come from and what it implied, or just... why I'm into all this stuff that does not even make completely sense.

The point is that I'm into stuff as long as it's fun.

Everything in my whole life is like it is because at first I wanted to have fun and you know what? That's the best decision I've ever made.

As long as I have fun everything's fine.

When it stops being amusing it'll get shitty and upset me.

So just... fuck it.

I've got the right to choose what to or not to do, and I realize right now why I felt so close to Virus and Trip, but seriously. If I'm not having fun doing stuff I really can't see the point of doing it in the first place. If I'm not having fun with someone I can't see the point in keeping up any kind of relationship...

So this is my first valid checkpoint following my super-rad yarn (it's the colour of fire and sunshine and smirking foxes) and I'm gonna start over from here.

And I already made my first move from here.

But it's a secret!

Haru loves you

Hospital

I guess this is kind of important.

Being a nurse (nearly) I heard a lot of stories about "how it feels when you're about to faint" and it sounds like it's something you absolutely notice, no matter what.

You start to sweat, you feel weak, your sight gets shitty and then you're on the floor waiting to wake up.

Well, I experienced it yesterday for the first time in my whole life.

And first of all... it's pretty shitty. But let me tell you hw things went...

I didn't sleep, or if I slept... they were some bad z's. That's because my tummy hurt like a motherfucker. But I didn't think anything of it. I mean I ate a lot of fastfood and unhealty stuff during the weekend so it made sense.

I decided to get up and get something to drink, I was pretty sleepy and my legs felt somewhat wobbly but... why would that be weird?
So coming back to my room I felt really tired and looked at my bed. Just a few steps.

All I remember is my butt hitting the floor and then I woke up on the floor.

And the I threw up. A lot.

Later I went to the hospital since I couldn' get up without fainting again and the doctor told me I got gastroenteritis. The one with pretty high temperature.


But the point is not the gastroenteritis.

The point is that fainting can feel like a lot of different things and that's what makes it so shitty.

For me is just feeling confused and seeing weird brownish pixels at the edge of my vision but that's not how it feels to everyone. So if you never experienced it, when you're feeling strange or weak or whatever... just sit down, whereever you are and wait for it to go away, and ask for help and get checked up.

Because it could be nothing, but it could be pretty serious as well.

Haru loves you.