I'm not cute.

In this past week I've been sick, I've felt sad, alone, hopeless and... alone again and... well I felt like shit ok?

This all started because I noticed that some people who claim to like me (like... more than friends?) don't really talk to me.
I mean, they chat with me but they don't know anything about me because... they don't ask.

All out chats are like


How are you?

I'm fine and you?

Awwwww so cute! You're fine! So sweet *^*


And the same happens for... anything I say. It's just... a constant reminder about how cute/sweet/adorable I can be... while doing anything apparently.

Am I the only one who thinks this is fucked up?

I'm not even that ok with the idea of being cute (it's kind of the adorabloodthirsty thing from homestuck) but I can somehow deal with it.
Since I'm a girl and being a short girl will just give everybody the right to assume you're innocent and need someone to defend you from all the bad guys out there.

Bitch please.

But most of all... do I look like I have some kind of lack of affection or... hell idk. I may have some issue with my parents not showing me enough love or stuff but NO.

I do not want to be treated like a puppy. Hell I can be useful and strong and whatever, don't talk to me like I'm some kind of doll whose only purpose is to sit around being cute.

Holy shit.

But then this triggered something else.

What if they do that just because... they don't really care? I mean, they all say they want to be close to OWL and stuff so...

WHAT IF

I'm just the easiest way to get to OWL.

Since I'm the only one that's single.

This really fucked up my whole brain.

But Rika told me that's just how people usually flirt with you when they don't know you.
This is still pretty fucked up since I post and talk about myself so much it hurts (no really, it damages people's brain and patience, I'm sorry) but ok, I'll deal with it.

Haru loves you.

Tutoring and work

So it's been a while since the last post and the main reason is... I've been quite busy.

I've been at school a lot lately because I'm into this tutoring program for little kouhais (?) in my university.

Students were told to study and then ask me explanations about the topics they did not understand in the chemistry and statistics program.

I'm not even complaining about the fact that they just come to me looking like little lost lambs asking me to explain everything in the fucking program (and I mean EVERYTHING), what got me quite upset is that all of them decided to ask for help something like... four days before the exams?

I really like tutoring and stuff but please, PLEASE, do us all a favour and ask for tutoring at least a week before, so that we have some time to do it and neither of us will have to survive 4 hours straight of chemistry or fucking statistics.

So basically that's what happened. I've been tutoring and I still have two days to go (statistics, omg, I just can't) and on saturday... I can't relax. I'll start working.

I'm kinda anxious about that. I'll work in this hospice, helping the staff during meals and it is something that I did quite often in the hospital during my training as a nurse (?) so I'm not really scared of what I'll have to do. What I'm worried about is the staff itself. It's completely made up of kinda old, close-minded women and I don't know if I'll be able to fit in.

Also my mom keeps telling me it'll be hard and at first I didn't pay attention but now that it's all so close and so real... I'm kinda worried.

I'll let you know how it is.

Now I'll go and get some sleep, today was Rika's birthday and we had a lot of fun, but I'll tell you about this tomorrow I guess.

Haru loves you.

Teeth

Hello.

You know what? I'm kinda scared.

Every damn actor or singer or whatever has the exact same teeth.

They're all the same lenght, similar dimension and with absolutely innocent looking canines. And it really upsets me.

It's not really important, I mean, they're still hot as hell but it's just like... if teeth are just like fingerprints, unique and stuff... why do they look so alike.

I know, they're fake and stuff.

But my teeth are really different from Rika's or Shane's and the same goes for everyone I know.

They look all the same, it's weird. Looks weird.

Don't get me wrong. I still love all of my idols!

Haru loves you!

Jpop, jokes and... a doll?

Hello!

Yesterday I went to Turin with OWL!

We organized the Jpop themed meet in our region so we met up with a lot of awesome people at 8gallery!

At 8.30 am we took the train heading to Turin even though the meet was scheduled for lunch because we wanted to try a new way to get there and since we're quite good at getting lost... lmao
We didn't get lost though and ended up being there pretty early, but there are a lot of shops and we just wandered there watching shop windows!

At 12 people started showing up and an hour later we finally got something to eat, I was starving!

We played DDR and some other random games and entered some shops looking for good sales! There were some super-cute things but they were still too expensive!

At 6.30 pm we got on the train heading home!

I want to thank everyone that was there and here's a random pic! Even though some people's missing o.o

I got a lot of fun and met new and interesting people! Thank you all!

And also, I'm done watching the 7th season of Supernatural and... that was kind of random. I'm happy though, because insane Cas in the last episodes was hilarious and I really loved the "pull my finger" thing. It was awesome. I really laughed. Damn, Dean and Sam have both a shitty sense of humor, really.
And little Cas needs some encouragement about his jokes.

Anyway I'll start the next season asap because I'm just too courious and also I can't wait to get to the 9th one because tumblr tells me there might be some interesting moments kinda Destiel and I just can't wait.

I can't wait.

Also I was thinking that I might want to destroy my self confidence trying to sew a doll. Not sure if a Castiel doll or a troll doll (not sure if Karkat or what, I really can't decide). I know I'll probably fail at it epically but I guess I'll try. I just need to figure out how to do it... like how to cut the fabric right to make the head and stuff like that.

Haru loves you.

The road so far

Ok, now imagine some AC/DC music playing and just read this huge clichè of a post.

So this is some good old recap of my last year. Nope I won't do every month or every fucking event or stuff like that. I'm gonna do it like this...

People tend to turn life into four different quadrants: work, love, money and spirituality.

So here you go.

Work. And if I think about work I think of OWL or school.

It's been ok.

I mean I had some trouble in school, mostly because I'm lazy and I really hate my university, teachers and burocracy, just a bunch of assholes, but I just have a little bit of work to do and I'll be finally done with it.

And I have to say that I'm actually pretty proud of how OWL did this year. Ok, we haven't been as active as last year but I really had fun and I feel like I improved a bit with all the j-fashion thing and... I'm glad. I attended the National Harajuku Walk and I've been creating some cute stuff for my outfits... I'm happy!

And I still think this is the only thing that counts.


Now let's talk about love.

I'm still fucking single.

And I kind of miss the feeling of being loved and stuff. I mean OWL do a great job and I know they love me a fucking lot but... It's different. And I don't even know how, I'm not talking about sex, I'm talking about the way you feel in your head when you're in love and loved back.

Hell I don't even know.

Here, have a cute Cas with a hamburger.

Money.

What about money. Well I'm still not rich, but I had enough. I bought nearly everything I wanted and I've been living kind of ok through this year.

Lately shit's been getting worse and I'm... I'm starting to feel kind of hungry and angry at my family and stuff. But I should have talked about this in the "love" part and I won't do it here. Nor will I go back and add this shit in the right place.

Basically: Money, I wish I had more but who wouldn't?


Spirituality or mind or whatever you want to call this.

I'm ok.

I think this was the most eventful part of my life during this year.

I've been reading and learning about wicca and, well, different kinds of philosphy and I really liked it. I think I believe in karma and how our thoughts can lead us to a better or worse life. I've been doing my best trying to think happy thoughts and... I think it works. At least I feel more relaxed and ready to face all the shit that the world may want to throw at me.
I feel more... at ease with the whole world.

Well, what else.

This year I read Homestuck, and so I finally got over my fear of aliens and such. I'm glad because I was really scared and I didn't do things like stargazing just because of this.

I want to thank OWL for putting up with me and all my shit without making me feel guilty about it. I'm glad I have friends like them, I mean, we're a group, we're into fashion and stuff together but... even if they were "only" friends I'd still be incredibly happy to have them by side. They're like sisters and now and then I think about it and I feel like someday I'll just look at them and wonder what should I call them because... someday our bond will be way stronger than a simple brotherhood... and I really don't know how I'm gonna call it.
I just hope this will keep getting better, 'cause they deserve to be happy and I'd be glad to be with them to share beautiful moments.

Also I met a lot of awesome people, some of them do not know this but I really really like them. I wish them the best and I'd fight for them. I'll make sure to tell them someday that whatever trouble they're into they can count me in for support of any kind.
Hell I wish I wasn't this shy. I wish I could tell them clearly what I think and feel for them and just... let them know I'll be there if they'll ever need help.
I really wish I wasn't so fucking shy.
My life could be so easy.

Well I wish you all a happy nea year. I hope 2014 will be better than 2013, for you and for me.

Have a nice last day in this year, party hard and be happy, the future's so near.

Haru loves you.

Castiel

Hello!

And Merry Christmas!

I spent a wonderful Christmas (and its eve) watching Supernatural!

Kinda sad, I know, but I had fun and also I finally reached the 4th season! HA! I'm so fucking happy!

At today, at 5 am, I finally met (?) CASTIEL.

All I can really say is that I can't stop blushing like a little school girl who's been noticed by her sempai. Really.
I can't believe how his puppy face affects me. It's motherfucking embarrassing.

I DO NOT BLUSH.

but I can feel blood rushing to my fucking cheeks every time he's got that lost look in his eyes. Like "Dean. I didn't know you were a complete idiot."

He just kills me every time. With that stoic look, he looks like he's trying his best not to look unprofessional but he has no clue on what he's doing and that's just PLAIN AWESOME.

So Castiel and his angel powers make my Strider-like poker face (yeah, that's the one I don't have at all) crack and I just melt. I hate it.

But I knew it. I saw that coming. I started this series with the only goal of seeing him and... omg I'm so embarrassed. I can't even.

I just can't he's so cute. SO CUTE.

How could anyone compete with something so fucking adorable. I know I can't. Maybe Caliborn could... but still. I can't.

I just can't.

Haru loves you.

It feels like shit

Today I went for a little walk in the woods.

Well not really, since there's snow and ice on the paths so I just walked down the main roads but I still enjoyed it.

The point is, since woods can be quite dangerous and mankid sucks I usually dress up as a guy so men just wont give a shit about me hanging there all alone. I mean, I look like a random 14-15 y.o. boy so nobody really gives a crap.

Apparently my mom does.

When I got home, happy and relaxed, she asked me if I was a lesbian and when I told her that dressing up as a guy does not really involve sexual orientation she asked me if I was a trans or something. She was quite upset and I felt really bad.

I'm not a trans but what if I was? God this sure as hell is not the right way to ask your daughter about personal stuff.

Anyway, she kept asking me about it and when I told her I don't feel safe going around dressed as a girl because I don't trust men to keep their dicks into their fucking trousers she laughed me off and... well that left me dumbstruck.

If someone honestly tells me of being scared of something to the point of changing its behaviour... hell, I'd take that seriously.
And it's not something I made up. Here in Italy shit's getting quite hard for women, rapes and murders are quite common and... well mom, I'm sorry for wanting to be kinda safe?

Anyway, the lesbian part really hurt.
She asked me in such a bad way, it's not even the first time but I really can't bring myself to tell her anything about my sexuality.
She says she'd be ok with it but she looks so fucking disappointed while talking about it... and then when I refuse to tell her she tells me I'm a bitch and that I hate her and stuff.

Well, I guess I'll really start hating her someday if she keeps being so pushy about it.

It should not matter.

Are you straight? Lesbian? Bisex? Whatever? HELL FINE, what would you like for dinner?

That's an important question.

I can't help but think that when I'll run away she'll think I'm a huge jerk, but I'll do it just to let the both of us live without killing each other.

I don't like to live knowing I'm not the daughter she wanted, the cute, well behaved, straight, kinda average girl. I know she wanted a girl like that. Like my cousin, actually.

But I really hate to censor my whole life just to please her. I need some freedom. I deserve it, don't I?

Everybody deserves it.

*breathes out* well, I just have to wait a bit more.

But I really am tired.

I never thought this all would affect me so much, but I really am tired of my parent's shit echoing on me.

It would all be so easy if I really did not love them at all.

Funny thing is they hold the whole "after all the things we've done for you you don't even love us" clichè subject against me.

God, I can't even...

I also downloaded Painting Tool SAI, I used to let my art take place on Gimp so... I'll talk about this someday (?)

Haru loves you