Stalking and panic

Hello and welcome to the super new episode of- no ok, I'll stop.

I know it is pretty stupid to write it here but please don't tell anyone.

I am currently stalking someone.

Not bad stalking, I'm not  secretly snapping pictures of them changing their underwear or checking what they threw out this morning. I'm not a bad stalker, come on.

I'm a nice stalker.

People would pay to be stalked by me, I'm such a silent and smart stalker. I'm a fox. I can follow you and you'd never know.

...

I'm a beast.

But putting my awesomeness and bad jokes aside, I am stalking someone. Also I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one doing it since they're somewhat of a celebrity (?)

...also my crush.

Yeah I know I'm fucked. But I can't bring myself to care about it, I mean, when I was 15 y.o. I met a writer who got to be with her fave singer for something like YEARS and I guess that gave me some sort of pretty bad example on how to deal with impossible crushes so here I am. Stalking.

Just for the sake of it, because they live so far away they could live with a leg in Satan's mouth and it wouldn't really make any difference.

Haru's kinda broke, can't pay for such a loooooooooong flight.

So.... basically I am just doing it to feel somewhat close to them. I'm getting more info about climate, temperature, timezones, sun up and down, moon rising and stuff like that so that I can imagine how it feels right now where they live.

BUT I'm not here to talk about them. ( aaah... them. <3 ) I don't want to give you any clues on who they might be and stuff. Not your business.

What might be your business (?) is how I feel about it and what I think about.

And I am currently thinking about how can someone not look like some obsessive fan and more like a normal human, to a celebrity?

Fuck me if I know.

But if you know you could tell me, I'd LOVE to know, considering I have absolutely no way to meet them in person for something like months. Several months. And only for... days. A few days.

Also I seem to suck at all the flirting thing, I don't even want to know how bad I'll suck at stuff like trans-cultural flirting. I mean I'll probably just greet them and accidentaly insult their whole family plus the dog and trying to apologise I'll threaten to piss into their grandma's ashes so yeah.

Yeah.

This post was originally started because I wonder if I can somehow give people warm and loving looks or if my eyes are just naturally set on my "I am dumb but I still consider you inferior and I hate you" look. That'd be a weird look to give while trying to be sweet.

So that's it.

I'm open to suggestions and ideas that I know won't come since people only write me when they need help. Little bastards.

But Haru still loves you.

bravery

I just realized I've never lost something really important.

My body's relatively fine, not much as happened to it, almost all its flaws were there form the very beginning. I got some slightly unlucky set of coding I guess.

My family's alive. Torn apart but alive.

And all I've really lost are years. Ten years of void instead of growing up, but even that paid off somehow. And it might sound cynical. Idk.

But that night. I could have died. And not even because of my stupidity, but for someone else's useless bravery. We did not run, even though I wanted to. I panicked (and now I see that's something I tend to do often) and yet I did as I was told. We stayed and I could smell the smoke.

I'm not brave,  I can see it clearly.

That's obviously not the reason that makes me a Griffindor. I am not brave.

I get so damn scared, feeling like a trapped rat, all quick breathing and shaky movements.

And that is why I might look brave.

Feeling trapped, nothing to loose. I'd probably leash out on a grizzly,  too scared to realize that I'm in no danger, I have choices.

I'm not brave.

I just wish shit was easier. I wish I was brave. I wish I could fight for me and my friends.  Be useful.

But I'm not brave.

I'm scared I do my best and I think I'm useful.

Like a stupid dog, I turn around expecting a praise after barking off the fat lazy neighbour's cat, and I get pitying looks and some awkward statement about how unnecessary it was.

...

I guess it just... hurts, and that's the most descriptive I can seem to get about my feelings.

It hurts.

I do my best and it is so not ok it actually hurts.

But I can definitely see how this whole thing took me where I stand now. Just me.

And yet.

Haru loves you.

First part of my cosplay

So.

My mind keeps having mental break downs and I don't know why but it's a thing that's happening so I'm just gonna deal with it.

And I'm doing it.

I hope I'm doing it well.

But, incredible, that's not the point.

The first part of my cosplay arrived on friday and I'm terrified.
And glad.
But still terrified.

Because now there's no going back. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna touch the booty. I'm gonna cosplay it.

My fave character. That reminds me of myself somehow. In a really weird way.

Who suffered through some deep shit and got out. Messed up, but got out.

I love that dork.

Now more that ever I love that dork so bad I could just hug this huge idiot and cuddle all the way into oblivion.

And I'm gonna do it.

And it'll be so damn embarrassing because now everyone knows I love this character and all its flaws in such an unironic way I could die.

But the first part arrived and I tried it and I'm so madly in love with everything.

You may not believe me but I'm writing this and my fucking kokoro is going all dokidoki and I'd rather get killed than say something like this if I didn't mean it. It's so embarrassing I really don't even know HOW this could happen.

*breathes*

but I tried the first part of my cosplay on and it was amazing.

I'm so full of hope I wish I didn't have and... it's wonderful and awful and everything in between. I feel so close to this character.

You know what they say "it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all".

I'm so not sure about which one is better but I feel like I could barf either way so I guess it just sucks. But in this huge shitstorm I guess the first one could hurt in a way that might, at some point, bring a smile with it.

That's all I'm gonna say about it. About this awesome character and my undying love and how I am SURE it'd be a fucking Griffindor don't even try to bring this up with me I'll murder your family.

I'm gonna go hug my cosplay now.

My legs feel numb.

Haru loves you.

New Colour

I hope to find you as soon as possible.

I'll take you to my AU.

Where everything's the same but we're not insane,

We're great.

The next step of evolution,

The final expression of freedom.

The correct approach to life.

You and me, we're nothing but variations of the same theme,

Complemental prototypes of the same absurd project,

concretizations of the same concept,

different ways of being humans, sharing our freakness.

It's not hard to tell us apart,

your green locks are unnatural as all the colours that light up my life.

Why, then,

Why can't I tell where I stop fighting for myself and start standing up for you?

That's how you became an extention of my ego,

Your calm and resolved behaviour something I crave.

I wanted you so much that you became mine,

a new part of me that I cherish so much.

Black Hole

Idek.

"It's so weird to look back at what's happened in my life lately. There's this... black deep hole that's like just behind me. Weird stuff happened, everything felt like a huge and unnatural amount of bad luck and that's what I think it was. Bad people, bad choices, bad instinct, bad everything.

Someone I let in found a way to completely undemine my self-confidence and even if this all was a bad luck accident I'm pretty sure I'll never really give up on this almost silent sore feeling for this person. I can't seem to let it go and I know I probably won't.

I know it'll push me forward for half my life.

I feel sorry, tho. For everything. For me, for my friends, for my past and for my future, for this person as well. Because I was trying to help. Help everyone. Show everyone how nice things could be, how perfect everything would turn out if they just as much as considered my directions.

But it did not happen.

And it's fine.

It's fine because I feel it'll all turn out fine. The people who stuck by my side give me a good vibe and someone got lost along the way and it's ok. I care, but I know I should not.

I should let it go and I'm doing my best to.

But things will be fine, the air itself smells like nice things coming our way and the movement feel so focused and armonious, like the whole universe is just being the stage for some huge and awesome event. And I can't wait (joke's on me I guess).

I... I think I need this. Deserve this. Just like I needed that huge hole I fell in last spring.

I don't know if anyone's feeling this right now or what. But I'm glad.

Deep down I'm glad."

Haru loves you

Excited and feeling like shit

I'm beginning my eternal jurney of work and tears to get my cosplay for Lucca Comics done.

And I'm just gonna write down here why I'm feeling excited and like shit at the same time while doing and even planning this.

As I said in my last week's vlog (it's in Italian, sorry) I'm not gonna tell you which character is it and not even the fandom.

What I can definitely tell you is that I'm anxious because it's one of my fave characters. Ever.

I usually love characters that somehow remind me of myself, basically because I feel like I can understand how they feel and think, and sometimes I can even relate to some of their experiences or choices. They usually have a weird sense of humor and just try to act all smooth (and sometimes fail at it epically) while they're just huge dorks. Also they're usually disinterested (or act like it) in all the stuff going on ultill shit gets real and at that point they just leash out and wreck some shit. Because it needs to be done. And if it needs to be done and none's willing to do it they just have to step up and save the damn day.

That's why I love them.

They're not really self confident. They had to act like it because of random reasons but in the end they're just damn kids (regardless of age) and are scared shitless by life and anything, but they don't give up.

They try to have things their way and when they can't and have to face the awful reality just wipe off their tears and pick up their sword (yep, it's usually swords... kinda funny) and fight for their lives and what they believe.

And I am just madly in love with them all. Meaning that I'm not looking for a person like this irl (the perfect girl/boy for me has a different personality) but I'd just love to be like them because I think they're awesome.

And... I am aware of being like them already. Of course I'm far more balanced, because I'm not a stereotype (I'd say because I'm real but life keeps denying my existence so...) and they actually have this huge flaws just to make them look real even if they don't...

But I never ever feel like I'm enough to be like them. At all.

That's the main reason that got me to hide my next cosplay.

It's a character I LOVE TO BITS and I... I feel like I'm just not enough. Even though I even compared height and weight and it could kinda match... even though I can feel how bad every emotional blow might have felt in its place...

Basically... I'm pretty self confident untill I see my fave characters.

They've got the power to make me feel like shit compared to how cool they are and, well... I feel like shit just thinking about my cosplay.

BUT I'm gonna do it.

Because I spent a lot of time thinking about it and I even talked about it with some REALLY close friends and I came to the conclusion that I really need to get id of this thing that triggers my self-loathing.

I have to do it to try and make good memories of me cosplaying as someone I love deeply, so that I won't be scared to death of cosplay and I'm feel like it's ok if I cosplay someone I look up to.

And this might all seem prety dumb but if you think I'm an idiot you're probably right and wasting your time reading an idiot's blog so we're kind of even.

If you don't think I'm an idiot...

Haru loves you <3

Yarn and checkpoints

I guess it's just like being in a maze.

You have to cross that damn thing so you just take a huge ball of yarn and get in. So every time you loose your way you can go back to where you started off and try again.

And I think that's what I'm doing.

Lately I've been pretty unhappy. I was demotivated and I didn't feel like fighting to accomplish stuff. Of any kind, actually. Be it school, work, social life, spiritual stuff or well... whatever. I was completely out of it, just wondering stuff like "why am I even breathing?".

And that exact question is usually tells me that I'm really not ok.

So I did what I had to do... I asked for help.

At first I asked Rika and Shane and they did their best to cheer me up and try to solve all the knots in my head but... it was pretty hard this time.

I had completely lost sight of my goals.

And without goals in which I believe... I just don't move.

I still don't really get what put me in that damn bad mood.

I'm trying to figure it out but I suspect it was just a series of slightly bad choices and probably some awful people I happened to meet and befriend... they're all gone now. It looks like I was still too cheerful and... "Haru" for them, even if what they got to know was an Haru in such a bad shape I'm not even sure I'd call it an Haru (?)

Anyways. Just like in a maze I slowly made my way back to where I started.

Now I've got more knowledge and experience, I hope I can avoid making the same mistakes.

But most important thing is that I remembered so much stuff that just a year ago was so so so important for me and at some point I just kind of... forgot about it.

I didn't remember where my love for red and lions came from, or where did the name Miwa come from and what it implied, or just... why I'm into all this stuff that does not even make completely sense.

The point is that I'm into stuff as long as it's fun.

Everything in my whole life is like it is because at first I wanted to have fun and you know what? That's the best decision I've ever made.

As long as I have fun everything's fine.

When it stops being amusing it'll get shitty and upset me.

So just... fuck it.

I've got the right to choose what to or not to do, and I realize right now why I felt so close to Virus and Trip, but seriously. If I'm not having fun doing stuff I really can't see the point of doing it in the first place. If I'm not having fun with someone I can't see the point in keeping up any kind of relationship...

So this is my first valid checkpoint following my super-rad yarn (it's the colour of fire and sunshine and smirking foxes) and I'm gonna start over from here.

And I already made my first move from here.

But it's a secret!

Haru loves you